Blowing It For the Phillies

Dear Susan Finklestein,

susan_finkelstein_20091027120913_320_240Thank you for you interest in purchasing World Series tickets at Philadelphia’s Citizen’s Bank Field. While we appreciate that you are a self-described, “DESPERATE BLONDE NEEDS WS TIX (Philadelphia). Diehard Phillies fan — gorgeous tall buxom blonde — in desperate need of two World Series Tickets. Price negotiable— I’m the creative type! Maybe we can help each other!” we are afraid that it is not the policy of the Phillies’ management to accept sex for seats. At least not from a married 43-year-old woman.

As it turns out, Mrs. Finklestein, offering sex in exchange for cash or a durable good is what we call “prostitution,” and though many of our players,  politicians, announcers, groundskeepers, bat boys, bathroom attendants, ticket takers, peace officers, hot dog slingers, beer sellers, foam hand handlers, peanut & cracker jack merchants, jumbotron operators, color commentators, base coaches, news anchors, cheesesteak traffikers, and at least half the loge level frequently employ the services of sex workers (and we’re talking all the freakin’ time, if you knows what I’m sayin’!), we need to arrest and embarrass you for this crime because we have our morals.

Until prostitution is legalized we cannot even accept a bartered blowjob, not even for tickets in the nose bleed seats. But we thank you for your inquiry and we hope that your time in lock up doesn’t dampen that Philly spirit.

Go Phils!

Sincerely,

Philadelphia Phillies Management

Comments are closed.